Umbro Mumbo Jumbo

Mumbo Jumbo

When I receive an email with grandiose claims the automatic response is a hasty prod on the delete button and a hope that nothing has lingered from the unsolicited trash invading my inbox.

However, this one was a little different. I was astonished by the sheer audacity of the opening gambit and was intrigued enough to be drawn into this world as it was imbued with fantasy and an utter lack of realism.

To give you a sense of this world here is the sentence that caught my eye and hazard a guess to what it might relate. “ The new ******* ***** is not an evolution of an old one. It is a complete new beginning.”

It sounds like a revolutionary new drug or maybe a radical approach to power generation. Actually it’s neither of these, it’s the fanfare for the arrival of the new England football shirt by Umbro. I kid you not. This exercise in squeezing more money out of cash-strapped fans is hailed in the style of some epoch-making instrument.

Beyond the attention grabbing, fallacious headline there is even more guff about “bringing together an innovative design philosophy with classic English tailoring.” Woe betide any player who allows any sweat to drip on this precious item, or heaven forfend if there is a trickle of saliva allowed to besmirch the classic English tailoring.

As a recipient of the email you are also invited into the lair of watching the shirt being designed with the players’ involvement included every step of the way. One can imagine Ashley Cole offering advice on the piping or Crouchy making sure the garment has sufficient elasticity.

Once you are lured into the clips showing how the new crest shows “substance and integrity” you know you have reached the final destination. Guided by the Senior Designer who rejoices in the wonderfully tailored name of Aitor Throup, we understand how the kit moulds to each curve of Rooney’s torso.

The big question which hangs over me after witnessing what goes on behind the scenes is whether the tradition of swapping shirts at the end of internationals may now be dead as surely no player will let go of his own individually tailored shirt. The title of this Mumbo Jumbo courtesy of Umbro is “Pride in the process”, but there is a more colloquial alternative “Bullshit in a Shirt”.