It’s always a bizarre spectacle, a World Cup draw. Firstly, there is a strange ineluctable compulsion on behalf of the hosts to make the most of this gathering of the great and good of the football world. FIFA apparatchiks and heads of state throng the hall, nodding and smiling knowingly whilst us outsiders scratch our heads and wonder what the dickens is going on.
Secondly, there is the seeming complexity of what is essentially a simple process, that of arranging 32 teams into 8 groups of 4. Simple maths and by seeding the teams beforehand it should be a fairly straightforward process but somehow there are layers upon layers of obfuscation which befuddle the commentators and general public.
Lastly, there is the crucial choice of hosts and guest ball-pickers, which is usually a mix of the obvious and then the frankly surreal. There are the people entrusted with showing us the light but more often than not, they succeed in making toes curl and teeth grind.
South Africa 2010 did not disappoint as the jamboree started with a singing troupe a collection of wholesome young adults who looked like cast-offs from a school production of Oliver! Nelson Mandela was brought in, by videolink, to convey his unique statesmanship over the affair, which he just about managed as only a nonagenerian can.
Then it was over to the hosts – French FIFA Secretary General Jerome Valcke and Charlize Theron, the South African actress. Being French, he kissed her on both cheeks and that got the audience into a ferment of sexual anticipation. In her red dress, Charlize waltzed on to stage under the misapprehension that she was going to be playing the lead in the latest gritty but glossy ITV drama about high class escorts, “Unhappy Hookers”.
Apparently she is South African but her accent was less Cape Town more Tinsel Town and she also pitched her presence on the complete lack of knowledge angle at which she was consummate, her ignorance of anything to do with football was masterful. Dizzy blonde does not quite cover it.
Tension built, not at the prospect of the draw, but at how many times the ball-pickers would kiss the lady in red. Newly-appointed football ambassador, Rt. Hon. David Beckham managed just one perfunctory peck, mindful no doubt of the mess in which Tiger Woods is currently embroiled. Beckham was the only European ball-picker and cut a slightly curious figure with his latest haircut, a hybrid of a Mohican and a Number 2, which looks as though it is not quite finished yet.
The others represented African sport at its best – cricket, Women’s football, rugby union - even a footballer and the world class runner Heile Gabriel Selassie. At one stage Theron actually had the temerity to tell Heile to cheer up! He looked justifiably bemused by this exhortation and did quite well in resisting any physical retribution.
And so despite the shenanigans of the ridiculous sideshow, the draw was eventually made and England were handed a comfortable looking group which Beckham paid due respect. There was a nice irony behind the fact that he could be facing the country that at first adopted him and his entourage so enthusiastically and then felt rejected by his dalliance with Serie A.
Then there is that massive sense of anti-climax after the draw is completed. The mouth-watering prospect of all the fixtures are beginning to be etched into our mental calendars when we realise that there will be an interminable six-month wait until the show begins on 11th June.
Of course, England are hoping to have the problem of making the World Cup presentation come 2018 if they can sort out the internal squabbling. A vision came to me during the South Africa draw of the whole Beckham family being the central fulcrum of a presentation. At least it would add some spice.
